I tried Kratom, and you shouldn't too.

Someone suggested a little Kratom tea the other night. Not knowing much about the powder, I did some Macgyver work on good old Google search. Did I want to feel relaxed and watch my high anxiety melt away? You’re GD right I did. What about a little cognitive boost, something to get the mind firing on all cylinders? Yes, please. The list of all its benefits was endless, so I said, “WHIP ONE UP FOR ME, friend!”

That night I was ready to see what this end-all-be-all holistic magic powder would deliver. In my mind, I was about to feel as though I being teleported to the Shaolin Temple posed in some serene Lotus position.

My body was ready.

I was ready.

Cut to hours later, that’s where the fun began. First the TV began to slowly shake. It was slow rolling, but as Schitt’s Creek played I sat slowly gripping the couch as my eyes began to twitch unsure of what was happening. After 2 hours of melting into the couch the idea of standing was out of the picture, so I stayed put. I was now glued to the sofa. No bathroom breaks because that didn’t matter, keeping my composure was number one priority. That did not last long.

Getting some good sleep went right out the window. Bedtime had begun but I was constantly met with intense itching throughout the night like some meth addict. Waves of nausea would jolt me up where I had to hyper focus on keeping my dinner down. As time went on, I laid flat and not moving asking all the existential questions of what is life.

Morning hit early, like 6AM early, and that’s when the body wobbles began. This was when I made an attempt to see what my sea legs were made of. I couldn’t stand, it was just not in the cards. Thankfully as I began to think my imminent death was ahead, Reddit came to deliver countless stories of overdosing. Not overdosing in a “you will now die” way, but taking too much of Kratom. One comment in particular said taking too much is the closest you come to feeling withdrawals off of Opiates. The nausea and wobbles continued for another 24 hours.

What did I learn, you ask? Well, don't drink what thou doesn't understand, mmmkay? And, if you're looking for absolutely mind-numbingly painful way to lose weight... hit me up, I have a really good way for you to do just that.

For now go enjoy a nice Golden Chamomile from Rishi and call it a day.